LUCHA UNDERGROUND REPORT 5/13/15

Hello after a couple months off! Been busy recovering (in some fashions, anyway) and getting back to work. I've been writing these reviews for awhile now for the Death Valley Driver board and I might as well stick them on here, along with some words about the latest vinyl purchases I've made. Why not, the writing keeps me sane. Anyway here is

LUCHA UNDERGROUND REPORT 5/13/15

Lucha Underground has been running for awhile on the amazing El Rey Network that Robert Rodriguez of El Mariachi, Desperado, From Dusk Til Dawn, Planet Terror/Grindhouse etc. filmmaking fame has put together. They show Lucio Fulci films, Shaw Bros. kung fu classics, interviews with great directors, a ton of Miami Vice, it basically rules altogether and I have gotten a huge education on Hong Kong cinema in general from this channel. They also show AAA wrestlers from Mexico here filtered through a somewhat American Indy Wrestling lens but still with grittiness,  blood and a telenovela interview backdrop stolen from Telemundo and Unimas. It's quite the interesting show and definitely the best pro wrestling you will see on TV aside from NXT (if you get the WWE Network, that is). If you don't know the names don't worry, look up a couple matches on Youtube and get familiar.

Well the end of this was totally balls-out and a legit "HOLY SHIT" moment. Lets see how the rest of the ep was on the replay.

Dario is talking to Matanza in the cage and introduces some Aztec medallions with secret powers. Matanza breathes heavily. Dario says he might bring the TV upstairs so he can watch the violence which is a funny line.

Some dude is wearing a sweet white Mil Mascaras mask in the crowd, and Rob Trujillo of Metallica/slap bass infamy is there too.

Aerostar vs. Jack Evans: This is the debut of Jack on the show. I haven't seen him in forever so lets see what Mr. Matrats can do. He needs to be schooled for biting Angelis' gear colors. Aero's rope-running even gains a greater level of amazement as he spins during a walk! Vamp claims to be trained by Homer Simpson after warning the kids at home; funny considering he wasn't trained at all initially. Damn Jack hits a brutal German. He sells the 450 off the rail which is nice too. Aero tries to climb the ropes and he can't even do it due to his knee. Of course Jack tries to take advantage but Aero hits a fucking Canadian Destroyer off the top rope. Usually I would piss all over that but it looked ten times more logical than a standing Destroyer because it looked like he was going for a sunset flip powerbomb, it was also super vicious and was a hell of a finish. Aerostar really can do no wrong to me I guess, and Evans came off as a true rudo with his yelling at the crowd and talking shit. Good stuff!

I was in the head but apparently there was a Big Ryck segment. Now there's a seven-way between

Killshot/Sexy Star/Pentagon Jr./Fenix/King Cuerno/Brian Cage/The Mack: This is for the Aztec Medallion which apparently grants "immortality". Okay. This is probably gonna be impossible to review because it's gonna be ten thousand highspots so I'll try and hit the biggest and brightest. I believe we can all agree that this needs to have as little Killshot as possible.

We almost immediately break down to Fenix and Pentagon in the ring together. Goddamn I would sport that Pentagon shirt for sure. Ugh now it's Killshot and Cuerno. Killshot does a really fruity run up the ropes which is something Aerostar would make look like a work of art. At least Cuerno chops and kicks the piss out of him and then Cage comes in with his 619. Now we get some teamwork with a double suplex and a huge elbowdrop/bodypress. Cage proceeds to lariat the shit out of Sexy and then everyone starts working again with a cool double corner stomp spot and everyone hits a finisher. Mack manhandles Cage and does a sweet standing moonsault. Killshot actually hits a nice tornillo and then gets splattered by the Cuerno tope. Wow, Pentagon kills Fenix and Sexy at the same time! Fenix hits a gnarly reverse rana into a standing moonsault for the win though. Well that was exactly what you imagine it was. Maybe not as great as that five-way that opened the program a couple months ago but damn close. A surprising amount of teamwork from Cage and Cuerno too who you would think would immediately turn on each other in the spirit of "every man for himself".

Ivelisse has broken her ankle so of course Dario puts her team against the Crew in a ladder match. There's some funny miscommunication with her trying to leave the office and her having to tell her partners to move the chair and open the door for her. Meanwhile, Fenix is in the locker room and Catrina pulls some mumbo-jumbo on him with a disappearing act and the appearance of three creepy looking luchadors in skull masks. I guess Fenix will be okay because he's "immortal" now.

Alberto El Patron vs. Hernandez (#1 Contender's Match): Well let's see who works harder rudo here. Nice slow start with an actual lockup before Hernandez starts brawling on the floor. That strut of his is so goofy and that running shove is mean. The audio might have been sweetened on the superkick but the camera angle made it look like death. And here comes Johnny Mundo! He pulls out Alberto, DDTs him on the floor, and THROWS ALBERTO THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE OFFICE. Dario's face is the best through this. Then Johnny throws him back in the ring for the pinfall and we get a stretcher job while the crowd chants "perro" at Mundo. I'm surprised there wasn't a huge bladejob here; there just seems to be a trickle of blood next to Alberto's eye. Considering sugar glass can really fuck you up he got lucky. The image of Alberto hanging through the window was deservative of the "holy shit" chant for sure and it came out of nowhere. This is gonna be a blood feud for sure and was a perfect way to end the match and a pretty high-end episode.

MERRY FUCKING X-MAS

FMW (1/4/90) - Atsushi Onita/Tarzan Goto vs. Dragonmaster/Masanobu Kurisu (Texas Street Fight) 

This is the first video I've ever uploaded to thee Youtubes, and I did it just because you might need to let off some steam, not wanting to beat your family members and/or intoxicated friends the next week or so. Or your boss, random drivers, whoever... get it out by watching a Japanese guy dressed like he's going to a rodeo in Memphis taking off his cowboy boot and whacking someone in the head with it. This is one of the most chaotic and stiffest matches I've ever seen and for some reason it isn't anywhere you can see it for free, so here you go. Enjoy the violence! And happy holidays, because when the shit hits the fan next month, you'll regret it if you didn't live them to the fullest...

ALL JAPAN ALL THE TIME

AJPW 10/20/91 - JUMBO TSURUTA/AKIRA TAUE/MASA FUCHI VS. TOSHIAKI KAWADA/KENTA KOBASHI/TSUYOSHI KIKUCHI 

In the annals of great AJPW 6-mans from when the New Generation was going up against Jumbo and his team of hitmen, this might as well be known as the "Nose-Break Match". I gather beforehand in the back it went something like this.

Jumbo: "Well, we need to get some good heat on you tonight, and there's only so many times I can beat on Kikuchi." *winks knowingly at him* "So how about this: let's go for a body part... Hey Kenta, let's go for your nose! Let Fuchi do it, he's best at that kind of thing." *belly laughs* *Fuchi grins sadistically*

And that's pretty much what happens. Everybody gets a moment to shine and build the heat up, then Fuchi steps on Kobashi's face and when he stands up punches him right in it, which ends up with everyone on Jumbo's side doing their best to make him not breathe right for a month. Everybody gets their licks in but Fuchi is the master of torture and there are closeups of him just blasting Kobashi directly in the nose until it bleeds while Kawada stands on the apron with his face of stoic disapproval, awaiting the hot tag so he can maul Jumbo. The crowd HATES Taue by the way. Any time he does anything they boo the shit out of him like he's a traitor to his kin. Of course Kikuchi shows a ton of heart and Jumbo has complete disdain for this, basically treating him like a rag doll and dumping him from six feet in the air at will. Kawada callously enzui-lariatos Jumbo at one point and after selling it for a while he comes back in in a complete rage to brawl with Kawada and shit gets serious. End is kind of a cluster but it emphasizes that this fight ain't over and there will be hell to pay no matter who won. This is the kind of wrestling I love best: guys showing no daylight in feuds that need to be settled. The All Japan Six-Man was great at doing that as much as any interpromotional feud in WAR, NJPW, FMW, etc. and it's a beauty to watch.

OLD ASS WRESTLING

JACK BRISCO VS. DORY FUNK JR. (1/29/74) ALL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING

Yeeeeeah, I SAID this shit was old. So sit down and getchoself a chair, and a strong drink and a long attention span because you're gonna need it. But it's still some of the best shit you'll ever see and you should be happy it's not in black and white... actually not, cause it would be cooler.

(Speaking of which, if you feel that arcane and awesome, THIS https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWXxP_rvXryBPpjIw7Dl9Tg just showed up on YouTube. All the old Dumont Network-aired Chicago [AWA] wrestling from the '50s, before anyone decided to ever decide to dig it up and re-air it for, you know, 65 years plus. Despite the fact that it was some of the first televised film shown and recorded for posterity period. Haha... the wonders of both ancient and modern technology.)

Anyway! For someone expecting something fast-paced or having anything close to a modern highspot, this isn't for you. If you want a great match with a slow build in the NWA '70s Broadway style, it is however. Nothing but nagging tension until sudden explosions of offense by one guy who could be a cool Hemicuda-driving, half-Indian ladies man and another who looks like a supermarket middle-manager with the worse receding hairline + comb-over of all time. And it's long, and you'll fuckin' like it if you know what's good for you.

Halfway through these guys look to be working with as much as they could, though absolutely NOTHING really interesting was possible. (Sam Muchnick, the short fat man with the glasses sitting ringside, is the NWA President that is basically like the Al Capone of wrestling at this point who couldn't stand for anything to get too, well, interesting because it might "expose" the business.) These guys are working every headlock and reversal perfectly to create something the Japanese fans will silently, as always, dig right into, and please the boss at the same time. And it will to you to hopefully as they cruelly grind then suddenly, violently throw into each headlock. Every sudden burst of overhead takedowns or roll-ups feels frenzied before both men wearily peel back to size each other up. Eventually Brisco works into a series of deathlock submissions that look as legit as anything in current MMA (or in UWFi/RINGS/etc. from the early '90s) before Dory sloooooooowly retreats back to the knuckle-lock. He doesn't sell in Jack's body-scissors and I start to wonder about his ability in big matches from this period. Good offense at least with him fighting for the Boston Crab with Brisco until the unwarranted bear-hug that they quickly see needs to be left for bigger and more capable guys. We get several more clean breaks until Dory decides to start the stretching contest again. Him giving up on a butterfly suplex is pretty funny. Then we're back to working the arm from Jerry and I think we are on the second fall? This is hard to watch even for me at time (esp. between drinks).

Well nevermind, because Dory gets caught in a brutal abdominal stretch and it looks to be almost a lucha-style second fall with a sudden submission but Jr. tosses Brisco the fuck out of it looking like the ultimate TJ Maxx security guard of all times. He then fends off the 10 SUPERMOVES OF BRISCO DOOM -- basically every '70s highspot possible in a row until Dory suddenly busts his ass with the Butterfly Suplex (such a classic these days) so Jack can convulse for a minute and Mr. Middle Management can celebrate. 

(Goddamn, this is a long match.)

Okay, fuck, this file just added in some insanely creepy Mexican cartoon commercial then apparently one of those "Support Our Troops" things we see every damn day on TV. I am baffled. Please, more wrestling from before I was born?

DOS CAIDA (really? I thought it was Tercera): Dory and Jack both say "C'MERE!" Scorpion style to whop the shit out of each other. 

I lost part at this track with them going pseudo-Lucha for a minute in their work and then getting stiff with the uppercuts. It ends with probably the best way anyone's ever made one of the weakest looking submissions in wrestling ever go. 

Goddamn this is strange and I don't like to write anything about a wrestling match this long, but this one is, so, fuck it. Enjoy. Or not. If you give any kind of a shit about the history of this weird and beautiful style of physical expression and cheap carny art, then it's essential. 

The Lariat Rides Again, Part II

STAN HANSEN VS. TOSHIAKI KAWADA -- ALL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING -- 6/21/92 

I hadn't seen this in quite some time but was alone at my friend Greg's house with his endless net-time and YouTube available on the TV, so I went diving for puroresu and came up with this gem in short order. If you want to see two guys absolutely destroy each other, this is it. By the end of the match both men are at their lowest ebb and are selling like maniacs (something you could never get 100% from out of Misawa or Kobashi; Kobashi may have had the Hansen match of a lifetime the next year but he could never play it like Kawada). Hansen looks to be ready for the ambo ride after this is over. What's so cool about it is everything is so even-steven, Hansen may have the three belts but the shoe could have easily been on the other foot the way they play it. I mean Stan is ALWAYS gonna be a mountain to climb but his selling for Kawada and the abuse he takes makes the match perfectly balanced. Somebody needs to put this and the aforementioned Kobashi barn-burner back to back and do the Pepsi Challenge because I swear this just might be better.

THE SUMMER OF THE DIABOLICAL HOLOCAUST

I titled this one that because it is pretty representative of how things have been going, despite the fact that of course it is the title of a Darkthrone song I love and I think the same thing about the summer every damn year for that fact alone. This one has really been a doozy... actually the whole year, but with the coming of the summer it seems to be at its apex so far. Within the last month I've taken a fall which resulted in a compression fracture of the T-12 vertebrae in my spine, which means no work, (probably) no more job, and a reversion back to Unemployment Mode for old Curt here (sleeping nine hours +, random eating, too much damn laying around in front of a screen). This seems to have made similar parallels with friends having discs slip in their dog's back, moving to shitholes where they can't find work and not being able to tour, losing their partners and homes, etc. So basically everything has not been so peachy, and I could go further back into the horror of the rest of the year but there's no point in that. This is me being Mr. PMA, and everyone who knows me knows that that ain't me, but I am gonna digress from my usual nihilism (TM name redacted) pessimism (TM Schopenhauer) and cynicism (TM myself) for some reviews of some cool, interesting shit. Get with the love! It's all you got. If you aren't a sewer-dweller like me (or are!), get with some Al Green, some James Brown, some Marvin Gaye and some Smokey Robinson and live it up. But if you need some of the hard stuff, follow on...

AUTOPSY - TOURNIQUETS, HACKSAWS AND GRAVES

Well, what can I say. It's Autopsy. The greatest, dingiest, most completely stoned, doomiest, and most incredibly repulsive and disgusting death metal band of all time -- the one that all other greats bow their heads to in reverence. If you know a death metal band that either A. doesn't like them, or B. doesn't know who they are, then you are probably well out of the league of anyone with taste or talent, and should treat them as such. This isn't as good as their last dive into the maggot-pool, The Headless Ritual (which contained several stone-classics like "She Is A Funeral" and "Coffincrawlers", the latter of which would send anyone who played Splatterhouse on Turbografix-16 or Sega Genesis back in the day into paroxysms of nostalgia) but it's still pretty strong and heavy on the doom influence. I wasn't quite sure about their reformation initially because Abscess had been going well sounding like an Autopsy-that-wasn't-Autopsy but after the last album they convinced me to stick around, and this one does the same. I really can't reiterate it any better: THIS IS DEATH METAL. Give up your 'gravity blasts', your 'slam parts', all the shit that constitutes most modern death metal. These songs have actual atmosphere and I will give that for a thousand other shitty bands and their polished, mosh-it-up material. It may not be as good as Mental Funeral (or even the last album) but it's better than most anything else bearing the name right now. Bow down, Chris Reifert is speaking.

KILLER MIKE - R.A.P. MUSIC

From one extreme to another... I'm not making any apologies to anyone for loving hip hop. You don't like it, FUCK OFF.

Anyway, this album is flat-out awesome. This is the first collaboration, far as I know, between Mike and DJ El-P, mixmaster of great renown. Their collab last year Run the Jewels was quite possibly the best new album I heard all year. That might speak to my burn-out on metal and punk (or the lack of talent screaming through thereof... or both), but they put together something great that built off this album which starts fairly basic and by midway dumps its lyrical politics and social opinions on you in great force, combined with absurd lyrical gangsterism and beats that are at once intricate and dumb as fucking shit. If you listen to the record without a subwoofer you get all the small bits; with, the ridiculous Bass 305 thump of El-P will numb you like a gummy of coke. Smart work and a flag held high for Mike himself, a standard to say what's to come in the future. Which is probably some sick shit to bump in your ride without feeling like an idiot.

The Lariat Rides Again

Over at Ye Olde Death Valley Driver Board we have been discussing the greatness of Stan "The Lariat" Hansen, my favorite wrestler and once upon a time the most destructive force in the history of the sport, so I watched this tonight.

TERRY FUNK VS. STAN HANSEN -- ALL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING -- 9/11/82

This match is absolutely fucking electric. The crowd is rabid from the jump for Terry. He gets in the ring and the look on his face is one of fear and defiance. When Hansen gets in the ring I thought of Clarence Boddicker in Robocop saying "bitches, leave"... then one of the ring girls immediately got bowled over by the two and the serendipity was seamless. Of course they just start beating the hell out of each other and Hansen eventually gets to play "King of the Mountain" as Terry keeps bailing under the onslaught. At one point Hansen kneedrops him a couple times on the back of the head and he gets to do his spastic seizure sell. Eventually control is regained, momentarily, but Hansen is just too much. He snapmares Terry, reels back, and the camera catches this split second moment where Stan's eyes BUG THE FUCK OUT as he launches down into a chinlock. It's priceless. Everything is so tense and chippy in this, with Terry grinding into Stan's face, grabbing the kneepad to trip him, Stan daring him to get into HIS ring and play. Terry falls out of the ring on his face and wildly tosses a chair over the ropes which Stan catches and launches right back at him. After this Joe Higuchi gets knocked down, another ref takes his place and of course the poor dude takes the Lariat which they get a great shot of the guy making this face like someone just hit him in the gut with a 2X4 (which in reality, he just got hit in the clavicle with the human version of a piece of rebar). In the chaos one of the gaijin wrestlers helps hold Terry so Stan can nuke him with the Lariat, Joe recovers and starts counting Terry out on the floor, then realizes what went down and refuses the pinfall, at which point Stan loses it and we get Baba and Jumbo running in after the army of young boys gets mowed down. Stan sneaks out of the ring only to come in and nutshot Jumbo from behind before finally tossing chairs and skulking away while Terry has a stroke on the mat. If you don't like this match, just go find another hobby, take up badminton or something. Also of note is the great banner for Terry: "BITTER ENDER TERRY FUNK TEXAS BRONCO". Judging by his face in much of the match, this felt like the bitter end...